Rant
So, what does it take to be a delivery person for daily newspapers in a rural area?
Well, first you must have no life. You must be so utterly pathetic that getting up in the middle of the night to cruise back roads in any weather, dodging various species of nocturnal wildlife and craning to see the numbers which homeowners inevitably put on the wrong side of their mail boxes seems conversationally interesting. Either that or you are on disability and this is the only kind of work you can manage without screwing up your benefits. Or maybe you are between jobs. Or a convicted child-molester who can't find work because of that registry issue.
Whatever career realities lead you there ... there you are.
Now you will need a car. But not just any car. This car has to be a statement to the free world that you are in the vicinity and that delivering newspapers does not provide enough income to purchase what most would consider marginally acceptable vehicular transportation.
The car you are looking for needs to be older, with rust. It will be more suitable if one tail light is out and the brake lights are an option that you choose to live without. It should lean slightly to the left and tend to veer off the road if you take your hands off the wheel.
The brakes must be failing. Or at least squeaking noisily to the point that screech owls shudder in discomfort at the sound.
The exhaust system must be removed. Even if it is rusted and useless, it should still be entirely removed from just in front of the catalytic converter. This will provide the maximum amount of noise and pollution possible. Your car, heard in the distance, should wake all but the soundest of sleepers with the initial thought that a thunderstorm has sprung up at 4:15 in the morning. As you move closer, the bleary-eyed rural homedweller will wonder if a plane is crashing in their yard. And finally, as you come within several hundred yards of the house the now fully-awakened normal person will alternate between worrying that a gang of bikers is coming for their teenage daughter or that the biblical apocolypse is now upon them.
Lastly, you must have an utter disregard for whether the paper is actually delivered to the subscriber. You must be satisfied with the expansive nature of the rural setting so that any paper delivered within 1/4 mile of the driveway, and on either side of the road, will be considered accurate.
Try if you can to specialize in throwing the paper into the wettest area of the deepest ditch. Again, you may have to throw the paper out on the wrong side of the road in order to find such a water spot.
Give the subscriber as many reasons as possible to never give you a tip or Christmas gift. Then, when the lousy tightwad does stiff you, you can joyfully retaliate by revving your motor in front of their house. That will certainly give them flashbacks of Vietnam or the sensation of being pursued by a chain saw wielding maniac.
Chain saw wielding maniac. There's another career choice. What you will need is . . . Wait. I'll save that one for later.
Well, first you must have no life. You must be so utterly pathetic that getting up in the middle of the night to cruise back roads in any weather, dodging various species of nocturnal wildlife and craning to see the numbers which homeowners inevitably put on the wrong side of their mail boxes seems conversationally interesting. Either that or you are on disability and this is the only kind of work you can manage without screwing up your benefits. Or maybe you are between jobs. Or a convicted child-molester who can't find work because of that registry issue.
Whatever career realities lead you there ... there you are.
Now you will need a car. But not just any car. This car has to be a statement to the free world that you are in the vicinity and that delivering newspapers does not provide enough income to purchase what most would consider marginally acceptable vehicular transportation.
The car you are looking for needs to be older, with rust. It will be more suitable if one tail light is out and the brake lights are an option that you choose to live without. It should lean slightly to the left and tend to veer off the road if you take your hands off the wheel.
The brakes must be failing. Or at least squeaking noisily to the point that screech owls shudder in discomfort at the sound.
The exhaust system must be removed. Even if it is rusted and useless, it should still be entirely removed from just in front of the catalytic converter. This will provide the maximum amount of noise and pollution possible. Your car, heard in the distance, should wake all but the soundest of sleepers with the initial thought that a thunderstorm has sprung up at 4:15 in the morning. As you move closer, the bleary-eyed rural homedweller will wonder if a plane is crashing in their yard. And finally, as you come within several hundred yards of the house the now fully-awakened normal person will alternate between worrying that a gang of bikers is coming for their teenage daughter or that the biblical apocolypse is now upon them.
Lastly, you must have an utter disregard for whether the paper is actually delivered to the subscriber. You must be satisfied with the expansive nature of the rural setting so that any paper delivered within 1/4 mile of the driveway, and on either side of the road, will be considered accurate.
Try if you can to specialize in throwing the paper into the wettest area of the deepest ditch. Again, you may have to throw the paper out on the wrong side of the road in order to find such a water spot.
Give the subscriber as many reasons as possible to never give you a tip or Christmas gift. Then, when the lousy tightwad does stiff you, you can joyfully retaliate by revving your motor in front of their house. That will certainly give them flashbacks of Vietnam or the sensation of being pursued by a chain saw wielding maniac.
Chain saw wielding maniac. There's another career choice. What you will need is . . . Wait. I'll save that one for later.
posted by TT | 9:53 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home